Atheists: Coming Out of the Non-Existant Closet
June 15, 2007 by HannahW
(I had a bit of trouble with the name of this one. I’m not happy with it and will probably come back and change it. Any suggestions?)
I recently told my mother I was an atheist. We had lunch at an Italian restaurant and the conversation turned to religion. We were talking about a debate between believers and atheists that I had seen recently. It was Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort representing God (I’d get new reps) vs. Bryan and Kelly from Rational Responders and the Blasphemy challenge. Somehow the conversation went from there to my mom saying to me, “But you can’t just believe in nothing!” I simply responded with “Yes I can.”
It was a lot easier to tell her then I thought it would be. We’ve clashed on religion before. I read up on Paganism, she wanted more church. I wanted to sleep in, she wanted more church. I smoked pot, you guessed it, church. Its not that she’s religious, she just believes that the church will fix her parenting problems…..my family is a bit dysfunctional….anyway back to the point.
I wanted to hear other stories about telling family members. I know it’s different for everyone and I just want to hear from other people out there.
Hannah~
I didn’t come out and say that I am an atheist so much, but I did tell my parents, Mom especially, that I disagree with many, if not all, of the Church’s teachings. A few years ago she compared the church to a club, and told my dad that if he didn’t like the rules then he shouldn’t be a member of the club. I brought that up to her and she didn’t say anything. I told her that it wasn’t because of anything she had or had not done. It was something that belongs to me and me alone. It was just circumstances in my life. I, too, saw the whole Kirk Cameron thing. What a mess! LOL It was such circular logic, and at the beginning they said that they were going to prove the existence of God without the Bible, but I didn’t get that at all. Sorry that it was a little off the subject. Anyway, like I said, I didn’t tell my mom that I was atheist because I didn’t know what I was at the time. All I knew was that I was anti-church, if that makes any sense.
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first of, congrats!!
While the reasons for staying in the closet seem valid, the reasons for coming out far outweigh those for hiding.
if you hide yourself, those who love you are ignorant of a side of your personality. Would it change their minds about you should they find out? Do you really think they’d reject you completely if they knew? In most cases, this is not so. In fact, a huge percentage of atheists I know, in fact, have at least cordial relationships with those family members who are religious. In all reality, religion is rarely as important as the love of a family member, even to the most pious.
(i’m not counting my Mom & Dad - During my coming out, it was a night mare. Mom is still pissed, even after 6 years. She says/points out/ tries to hurt me/ all the time.)
Despite the fact that they may not like what they hear, for the most part, they need to know. Religious parents are often the most dismayed, having “failed” to bring up a good religious child. In all frankness, however, deep down they would not rather you lie to them or hide such an important aspect of yourself from them. (except my mother)
Be confident. Don’t come out by saying “I’m thinking that I’m having some doubts about religion.” This will only invite people to try to “save you before it’s too late.” When you tell people, state it with no uncertain terms, in the present tense, and make sure to convey that you’ve come to an educated decision. Try something like “after a lot of soul searching and talking to a lot of people, I’ve decided to give up on religion” or “I’ve been an atheist for some time now, so I won’t be going to church with you anymore.”
I have no problem what so ever with my christian friends. Pentacostal, roman catholic, hindu, muslim, you name it. I enjoy my time with them, every day. They know who i am and love me for who i am. unlike my hypocrite parents. It was a good thing i came out. otherwise I woulda been loving those closed minded people. and due to this, i’m free to explore new relationships and redefine the meaning of love, unity, respect and family.
—rant end—
I found this online:
Degree 1:
Completely closeted. Not even your spouse knows. You tell everyone you’re a believer, and you may even attend church services to convince those around you. You’re living a lie, terrified that someone may learn the truth.
If you fit into this category something must change in the near term. Your spouse, who loves and trusts you for who you are, needs and has the right to know.
Degree 2:
Mostly secret. Your spouse knows, but most of your family and friends don’t. You avoid the subject at all costs at work, and if it does come up, you will hide your atheism.
Degree 3:
Somewhat open. Some family members and most friends know, but you are hesitant to bring it up in conversation. It’s still a secret at work, unless you are very close friends with a coworker or two who know. You have friends who are atheists, and may belong to an organization like American Atheists for moral support and connectivity. You may write a letter to a congressperson, but not to the local paper, because you don’t really want your atheism published. You may avoid the subject when it comes up, but if pressed you will not call yourself a believer (though you may soften the blow by using the term “agnostic” or “freethinker”, even if you’re an atheist by definition).
Degree 4:
Mostly open. Almost anyone who knows you knows you don’t practice religion. Coworkers, perhaps including your boss, all your friends and your entire family is aware. You don’t shout it from rooftops, but you make no effort to hide your atheism when it comes up in conversation, and may occasionally raise the conversation yourself.
Degree 5:
Completely open. Every time the subject comes up, you state your disbelief with pride and frankness. Anyone who doesn’t like you because of your atheism is a bigot and is not your concern. You’ve written letters to the editors of newspapers on the topic, and you may have an atheist bumper sticker on your car.
I’m a degree 5! (its not a car, will a Honda Unicorn count ?)
AnswerMan
http://rubenbabu.com
[Reply]
You can read more about my parents here:
1) http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-nzEuad0jbqTZptuxH6lHGPc0?p=71
(scroll down a little so that you can avoid the initial rant)
*all comments on that post was deleted when i was suspended from 360.
**Another one? HERE is my coming out. in FULL detail.
http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-nzEuad0jbqTZptuxH6lHGPc0?p=61
AM
http://rubenbabu.com
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Thanks for the comments guys!
Recovering I totally get what you mean by anti-church. And the Kirk Cameron thing was a mess. My favorite part was Ray Comfort describing the ‘evolution’ of the Coca-Cola can. Gotta love the fundies, they’re funny.
Great comment Answer….long comment, but hey you had alot to say and its all appreciated.
Thanks for the links too. I love hearing others experiences.
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As a very young child, I accepted the idea of Jesus and God simply because that’s what was presented to me. As soon as it occurred to me that it wasn’t necessarily the case that God existed or anything like that, I began to lose any faith I had. By the time I was thirteen and in Confirmation, I was pretty certain; I asked my pastor why I should accept the Bible as nonfiction, while calling Lord of the The Rings fiction - I never got a very satisfactory answer.
I wound up going through with confirmation primarily for my Grandmother and the money I received, but had been and continued to be very open with my agnosticism since it dawned on me. I never really had a “coming out” experience, because agnosticism and atheism have slowly built up in my life, sort of like one might grow to appreciate jazz - at first you are unaware of its existence, but the further you get into it, the more sense it makes and the more enjoyable and fulfilling it becomes.
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Aside from my grandparents, everyone who’s ever talked to me about religion knows I’m an atheist. My parents never took me to church, and since I spent most of my childhood reading science fiction and computer science books (NERD!), logic has always been important to me. I have yet to see an argument for faith that wasn’t based on a logical fallacy. If I happen across one, I’ll be open to changing my ways, until then, I’m atheist.
My grandparents used to take me to church when the family would visit them. I never had any reason to believe in what they were saying, so I entertained myself with coloring books and later, singalongs…er, hymns. When I went to boot camp, I went to the Buddhist services every sunday to experience something new. (ok, and partly to get away from the Drill Instructors, hehe) Grandma and Grandpa didn’t handle that too well. As soon as they heard about it, their entire congregation was praying for my salvation every week. I had enough leave saved up to visit them last year, and I went to church in uniform. I felt bad because I didn’t have the heart to tell them I’m atheist. They’re both in poor health these days, and I don’t get much time to talk to them. I’d rather just let them be, and let them think of me as ’saved’. They’ve got enough to worry about as it is.
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Degree 2.
Nobody but the internet and my spouse know.
In a few years, once I can, I will cut my ties with my family by explaining to them what I am, and how it is nothing like what they thought they were raising. Once that’s out of the way, I will advance immediately to Degree 5. As it is my family that is the keystone to everything, and at all costs, they mustn’t until the time I choose.
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You can’t be as angry an atheist as me without being a Fifth Degree.
My family has always had an odd history with religion - we were raised with little more than an occasional mention of godstuff, and only in relation to the few weddings or funerals that required our presence in churches. When I was about nine or so, my older brother and sister discovered a bible camp, and they told so many stories about the canoing, volleyball, and archery that when the next year came, I just had to go. This wasn’t one of those god-warrior Jesus camps, but it was still fairly intense indoctrination. I spent the next five or six years as devoted as one could be, as long as there was canoing and volleyball and archery.
It was, however, history class and a series of questions that finally got to me. I had a very inspirational Western Civilization teacher - you know, that one-of-a-kind teacher that snaps you out of classes and textbooks and that cute little redhead in the corner, and makes you really think. He had a great story about the difference between the powerful people - in Sumerian, the “lugal,” or “big man” - and the smart folks:
The lugal gets to decide where the tribe goes for the whole hunting season, since he’s the biggest and strongest. But what if someone who is small and weak figures out something that he can’t convince or explain to the lugal? He appeals to a higher authority - “the sun told me we should go that way.” By adopting the voice of a higher power, the smaller, weaker one can actually override the prevailing power of the lugal without making any kind of overthrow. Thus, the first priests, and the first kings. It’s only a matter of time, however, before the priests start believing the lie, instead of just using it to manipulate the tribe…
That was the part that finally made religion make sense to me: that it was a manipulation, a deception used to convince people to, for the most part, do good things despite themselves. How do you get warring tribes and families to cut it out and concentrate on harvest season? Tell them that god told them to cut it out. How do you increase the size of your community, your village, when population means everything? Bring down the death rate, increase the birth rate - outlaw killing and institute marriages. How do you get people to quit being jerks to each other and start cooperating for the good of the community? Here’s these ten tablets with some simple rules that god wants you all to memorize… no, that’s not my chisel, don’t touch that!
Maybe early civilization needed the cohesiveness of organized religion to turn the nomadic tribes into civilizations. It certainly made sense to me, far more so than a god powerful enough to create the entire universe, yet shy enough not to appear in public ever since. Along with some other realizations, that’s when I considered Christianity debunked. But I still had some way to go, because I was still under the impression that one had to choose a god.
I dabbled in Satanism. I studied Buddhism. I researched Islam and Judaism. I absorbed Solomon’s Keys and joined in Wiccan ceremonies. I tried Shinto and read Confucius.
Hell, I even tried going vegan one summer. Ain’t happening again.
After years of this kind of wandering between worlds of religion, I finally realized that this Goldilocks just didn’t like porridge, no matter what the temperature. And I’ve devoted myself to atheism the same way I devoted myself to everything else, but finally with purpose and responsibility: without a god to look over my shoulder, without a great karmic balance to judge me, I had to be my own conscience. The real shame of it is, however, that I thought I had pretty much invented something brand new, since in all my time of meeting with the most spiritual and devout people, there weren’t any atheists proudly declaring themselves.
Either way, though, I saw the world as if through eyes opened for the first time. Instead of looking for understanding from others, I started understanding on my own. And while I may have been a milquetoast as a kid, somewhere along the way, I found the testicular fortitude to stand up to bullies - especially the worst kind of bully, called an “evangelist,” threatening children with everlasting hell so that they’ll finish their vegetables.
I’ve been fighting them ever since.
[Reply]
Darque,
When did this turn into a pissing contest?
For that matter, when did “Angry” become a quantifiable attribute, let alone a desirable one? Also, do you think a person who has to hide their atheism for fear of retribution might be a little more angry than a 5th degree?:) (I’m just jerking with you, really)
I recognize your point about “inventing” something brand new. I would wager that most Atheists in the US have thought the same thing at one point or another. (I can’t speak too much about the rest of the world) I would also wager that this won’t be true for that much longer.
On a related note: I worry about those who do NOT come to Atheism by themselves but are coerced by people like you and me. I know this isn’t a “new” worry, but it does bother me that people might approach atheism as they would religion: listening to the most vocal personalities, whether that’s nationwide or in the local community, and blindly adopting the opinions of these prominent people.
I’m a degree 4, maybe 3…
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I just stumbled upon your site, it’s brilliant. It’s funny, my folks consider themselves Christian, yet they A.) Never go to church, they aren’t even part of the C&E crowd; B.) Don’t read the Bible; and C.) Didn’t force us kids to go to church or read the Bible (I went of my own volition for a couple of years, until I was old enough to see through it all). They get so angry when I say I’m atheist and they don’t understand at all. They say I’m going to burn, they get upset and hostile when I speak my viewpoints, yet they have no legs to stand on! They’re terrified of facing the truth, and it’s so sad to me.
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