Chain Letters From Jesus

So, not too long ago, I received a “small” package in the mail. Enclosed within this thick, stuffed envelope were 5 crisply folded pages and a return envelope. Return address? Saint Matthew’s Churches, PO Box 21210 Tulsa, OK 74121-9938. First thoughts? “THIS should be interesting…” And boy oh boy was it ever! You see folks, God apparently wants to bless me…but he needs my “seed faith” money to do it. (C’mon, you can’t just go around blessing people with checks of $6,000 or help people get off drugs without a little ‘ching’ if you’re God. If god did that, he would go broke and that’s just not a good way to run a business!)

Within these pages was a single sheet of paper with nothing more that the faux embroidery print of a handkerchief around the edges. (An 8.5 x 11 piece of paper made to resemble a handkerchief.) Wait till you hear what I have to do with it! (Scripturally based, of course.)

Here is what I ask you to do, in Jesus’ name… (1)PRINT YOUR NAME AND YOUR MOST PRESSING PROBLEM, BY FAITH, IN THE CENTER OF THIS BIBLE HANDKERCHIEF. Yes, that’s what I said…print your name, by faith, in the center of this handkerchief AND THE NAME OF SOMEONE ELSE WHOM YOU REALLY LOVE THAT NEEDS GOD’S HELP. Print their name under yours.

I have yet to figure out how to “print my name by faith.” So, can I use a pen, or must I simply stare at the sheet and believe that I am mentally printing my name on it? (I am being facetious here.)

( 2) Then, OPEN YOUR BIBLE TO THE BOOK OF ACTS, CHAPTER 9, VERSES 11 AND 12, if you have a Bible. IF NOT, IT’S OKAY. GOD SEES. (3) Then, LAY THIS BIBLE FAITH HANDKERCHIEF (with your name printed in the center of it) ON THIS SCRIPTURE. (4) Leave it there under your side of your bed for TONIGHT ONLY! If you can’t, god will see your situation, but we would like you to sleep over it.

The next thing was to mail it the next day in the postage paid envelope. Under no circumstances was I to keep it. Along with the handkerchief, I was to enclose a “biblical seed offering unto the Lord.” Just a hunch, but I am guessing that the “Lord” doesn’t get a dime of this “offering.”

Included was a checklist of things that i could request of God. Let’s see… Better health, a better job, stop a bad habit, a new home, a new car, and a spot to name an amount of money you want God to bless you with. Hmmmm….

Then, of course, you have the obligatory “testimony” page. You know the one. M.C. says that God swayed the courts in some fashion to allow his son to get out of jail. Oh, and god also “blessed me to fix up my house.” O.C. from Florida writes that she received $6,000 after using the paper handkerchief. (Side thought. When I wrote “paper handkerchief,” I heard “Holy hand grenade” in my head. Anyone else? Or am I the only Monty Python guy?) J.M. from New Jersey says he was blessed with a large financial blessing. Watch out J.M., God needs 10% of that back, you know!

In case you are wondering, in 1951 Saint Matthews Churches Ministry was founded by fifteen born again Christians including Reverend James Eugene Ewing. Saint Matthew’s Mother Church, the Cathedral of Saint Matthew, is located in Houston, Texas. Why the Tulsa address? Well, according to them,

In 1970, the board of Saint Matthews Churches concluded that our church needed highly professional bookkeepers for seed faith offerings. These professionals handle Saint Matthews records and receipts, fill out the necessary state and federal government forms, and answer any questions that state and federal government may have about St Matthews Churches from time to time. Today, churches just like Saint Matthews Churches must comply with a host of state and federal laws, regulations, and requirements.

And they also address the “scam” theory too.

However, the published sermons and sacred literature sent free of charge by Saint Matthew’s Churches crosses the paths of atheists; communists; drug dealers; criminals; the lunatic fringes of society; those who hate the United States, God and Christianity and those who hate us because we are gospel missionaries. They accuse all churches which mail sermons of mail scams and mail fraud.

Golda Meir, the third Prime Minister of Israel, once said, “We will not roll over and die just to make our enemies happy.” The same is true of Saint Matthew’s Churches and all other churches which are wrongfully accused of mail scams and mail fraud.

Thousands of people are blessed by the church’s mail sermons. Saint Matthew’s Churches understands that not everyone wants to receive our literature. Some who receive one of the gospel books or sermon letters that we send free of charge – and we emphasize “free of charge” - hate gospel literature; from their hatred comes false accusations of mail fraud and mail scams. Honest people just throw the literature into the trash if they do not want to receive it; the literature costs them nothing. St Matthew’s Churches pay all of the costs for printing the literature as well as the postage to mail it. However, some are compelled by their hatred to try and harm the church with false accusations of mail fraud or mail scams.