Man Sues Jesus for Breach of Contract

John Holmes has decided to file suit against Jesus in Ohio today. The suit alleges that Jesus “willfully neglected to fulfill certain verbal obligations made by the defendant.”

“I just don’t understand it,” John explains. “When I tell someone that I am going to do something, I do it. I mean, a man is only as good as his word, right? Especially if the man is the Son of God!”

In the suit, John claims that he was inspired one night while meditating on the Word of the Lord. As he read his Bible that night, a passage stood out to him and he was overcome with inspiration.

John 14:13 “I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.”

“So, that night, I got down on my knees and prayed. I asked Jesus to give me a brand new Porsche 911 by the end of the week. I had a high school reunion to attend and I wanted to drive the Porsche there. I figured that people would ask me what I did now to afford a car like that and I thought that that would be a good opening for me to witness to them. Even if I only led one of them to the Lord with the story of how I really got the car, that would glorify God.”

Unfortunately for John, the reunion came and went. John drove to the reunion in his 1995 Saturn SL1. He has yet to receive the Porsche. TJM has tried to contact the defendant, Jesus, but he has been unavailable for comment.