Courtney Steen
I actually remember my brainwashing quite well. I can still recall being in fifth grade and going to an elementary school game night. I played one of those really silly games, throw a piece of yarn over a painted ply wood and a little close-line pin lure would provide you with a small prize. It was a little picture book on how the world was created: a collision of dust and sorts. I didn’t understand it, I was hardly 11! My mother saw it and hastily trashed the hardback, mumbling she wished she could burn all books like that.
Then arrived the atrocity to the mind’s of young children known as Wednesday night AWANAS. All I remember about this organization was that you would memorize bible verses out of books and get free candy and soda. After completing a book of verses within the year, you would get a trophy. I liked this Jesus thing: soda and a frickin’ trophy. I don’t think there was a doubt in my mind about Christianity; I was completely ignorant of anything. In 10th grade, I even thought about turning in an unanswered test over an Evolution unit in Biology in protest of learning such an evil lie. I’d heard all about that mud soup and monkey stuff from my pastor and its poison.
There was a time I was 110% convinced God spoke to me to call me to China.
Not too long after I met a friend named Ross, I was invited to his church. There aren’t many words for me to verbally show you how incredibly the level of ill-ease that plagued my body. Once the dancing in the aisles, the laying on the floor convulsing in God and screaming at Jesus with arms outstretched (he’s allegedly hard at hearing, it reminded me of someone with a saved seat waving at Jesus from the bleachers at a Cubs game) ceased, I found myself sitting on the floor under my chair with closed eyes. I hoped everyone would think I was praying and not bother me. I felt a hand on my shoulder and someone telling me to “Scream it out, scream it out GIRL to our heavenly daddy HALLELUJAH”.
After that “revival” they formed a fire tunnel with two parallel lines of people with arms out stretched, a person would race through as fast as possible and everyone. As you walked/ran through, people’s hands and arms would come down on your head and shoulders and a murmur of “bless, yes, bless, oh thank you JESUS thank you JESUS” would ring out. Freakiest shit you will ever encounter. The only thing it was missing was rolling around in and drinking one another’s blood to become more saturated in the Holy Spirit.
These were the people that planted my seed of doubt. Ross and I stopped seeing one another after he pronounced my quiet, tame church as people who don’t know God and have a stick up their “buttholes” (clever diction). Once I became a pre-school children’s church teacher I soon began to realize how much I had been brainwashed by my parents and church into what I think when I was these youngsters age. We played a game where we decorated a box like a present, put a kid inside and danced around it worshiping the present because of Jesus’ gift of life to us so we don’t have to go to Hell.
I realized then that I had believed in Jesus all this time because, well, I was instilled to believe there was a Hell and it seemed safer to believe in Jesus. When was the last time someone witnessed to you and DIDN’T mention the whole “you’ll burn in hell” thing? But how do they know the Bible was correct? God didn’t write the Bible, people did. People who had delusional dreams and visions that write about events it was nearly impossible for them to have witnessed. No one has ever come back from the grave to tell us how horrible Hell is or how great Heaven is. We simply do not know. Fear of Hell was invented to give people the incentive to act good in this life in hopes for a reward.
Being an undergrad studying genetics and biology has absolutely nothing to do with my deconversion. I don’t feel that my religion has any affect on the way I do my work either way. To me, Science is 100% Agnostic and has no opinion on God. But, as an atheist, I do feel that I am freer than I ever been. Not only do I have wonderful sex with my boyfriend guilt free, but I find myself enjoying life to it’s fullest without constant guilt trips. Initially I thought life would lose it’s meaning (as I was told by many Christian friends), but really it hasn’t. I do great things and I do them for myself and others, not because I want to get into Heaven or avoid Hell. I do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. I don’t have to stretch reality to fit my fantastical “inner compass” of religious beliefs; I see things as they are. Instead of telling someone that I’ll pray for them - which is what you say when you want to act like you care, but you really don’t- I’ll bake them dinner and enjoy a nice evening until they can get back on their feet
Rather than pray for relief to the hungry and broken world, I do volunteer work and get off my ass and make a difference. It took me a long time to shake that fantasy that I grew up with, but I’m glad that I did. My parents don’t know that I’m an Atheist, and it will probably stay that way. I sit through church every Sunday because I like having my college education paid for. It’s actually really fun to do and to look back at how gullible you once used to be. From time to time, Ross’ mom sends me e-mails about how I must “go down to that place where the father is and let him smooch” on me. I’m still convinced God is nothing more than a clingy boyfriend. However, in the whole, it’s liberating to realize how big of a joke Christianity and all religions are.
But I did really like the whole free soda and trophy bit.
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