Parenting Beyond Belief (the book)
November 8, 2007 by Recovering Catholic
I have a hard time really trying to explain why I was compelled to read it in the first place. I remember talking to Ute about raising a child who can think for herself and feel confident in her decisions. I don’t want her life to be guided by the guilt that mine was (if you think something bad God will know and you won’t go to Heaven). I know that I have had a lot going on with me this year. You can read my past posts to see the turmoil that I have had. I call myself a recovering Catholic because I will always be stuck. I still find myself thinking about it and wanting the comfort of religion when something bad happens. I wanted to tell my daughter that Great Grandpa was in Heaven when he died, but she wouldn’t have understood that anyway. She wasn’t even 2 yet. With the holidays coming up, my husband and I have been talking a lot about what we want to do and how much we want our daughter to be exposed to. I have to thank my husband for letting me have my way with most of the decisions that we have made. I don’t want Christmas to be about Jesus and the fact that we stole the idea of a tree from someone way back when. I want it to be about the pretty tree, about all of the ornaments that have stories behind them, about the fact that the tree that we are putting up belonged to her Great Grandpa who died and that this is the only tree her mommy remembers from when she was a kid and celebrated Christmas at Grandpa and Granny’s house. I want it to be about Santa and all of the presents she gets. She’s 2 1/2. That’s what I remember as a kid, and that is what I want for her as well. She can deal with all of the other stuff during the rest of the year. Anyway, I am sorry that I had a little rant there. Now back to the book! For the most part I found myself nodding in agreement while I was reading. All of these people think that religion doesn’t make a person good or bad, and I agree. On page 29, though, I found myself rereading a paragraph. It states, in general, that the author’s daughter is encouraged to be a free thinker and decide what she wants to do in regards to religion. Good for him! Then comes the jaw dropper for me. He says, and I quote, “She knows that she has the liberty to become a Buddhist, Catholic, Mormon, or Pentecostal. She also knows that if she made such a decision, we would be disappointed…”. Holy guilt! I thought that this writer was a free thinker, not a Christian! Right away I thought that this poor daughter would never do something that she knows will disappoint her parents. My husband disagrees. He thinks that the girl will feel self confident enough to make her own choice anyway. I hope so.
Here is another part of this book that I liked. This one made me laugh. This is on page 97 and it states that advocates of placing the commandments in public schools really believe that the massacre at the Columbine High School never would have happened if the commandments were there. The murderers would have seen the sixth commandment and stopped in their tracks. I don’t even think that this needs a comment. I am sure that you are thinking the same thing I did.
The last point that I LOVED was about a summer camp for children who don’t want to recite the Pledge every morning or pray before meals. It’s called Camp Quest and since 1996 it has grown from serving 20 campers to 120 kids who participated in six different camps in 2006. I am honored to say that my state, Minnesota, has one of these camps, and I can’t wait to send my daughter to it, if she so chooses. The book says that each camp is independently operated, but all of them have the same mission. It’s run by volunteers and the organization tries to help out by raising money to provide full or partial camperships ( their word) so that no camper is turned down for financial reasons. It states “Camp Quest is open to any child from the age of 8-17.” The website is www.camp-quest.org. So, if you want to read a book that will encourage you to just be a parent and support and love your child without trying to run their lives using guilt, this is for you! Thanks again, Ute!
You’re welcome.
I still go back and read passages of it when I need it. I highlighted several sections and it’s a good piece to work with. You might also be interested in “Like Rolling Uphill… The Honesty about Atheism”. It’s written by Dianna Narciso and and excellent book. This woman is brilliant and I often wish I could have had her book sooner when I needed a good argument. 
As for raising our children to make the right decision for themselves… it’s like walking on a tightrope. Obviously nobody will ever be able to raise their children subjectively no matter how hard we try. We will always influence them and therefore their decisions. It’s how we react to decisions that don’t go well with what we believe to be right. I can’t say that I wouldn’t be interested if my daughter turned to Christianity, because it would show me that despite all the facts that she has been presented, and despite the education and evidence, she’s chosen blind faith in a supernatural Uber-Daddy. But then, no matter what she chooses and how she wants to live her life, she will always be my daughter and I will always love her for who she is. She’s a brilliant, highly intelligent little girl and I know that she will always question her decisions… no matter in what area of her life.
Christmas… well, I grew up with Christmas although both my parents are atheist. They never celebrated it as the birth of Jesus. They celebrated christmas to celebrate the family. I love christmas and will celebrate it with my children just as we did when I was a child. The christmas tree is a pagan tradition, and I’m perfectly comfortable celebrating without a belief. I guess I could call it something else… Winter Holiday or something… but frankly I just don’t feel like it. Christmas works fine for me. Yes, people look at me funny at times… but I’m used to that by now. A German Atheist Homeschooler who celebrates christmas… what’s wrong with that woman anyway? LOL
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@ Recovering Catholic
I’ve seen this book advertised previously at another site, and although I’ll probably eventually buy it, I just wish it had been around when my kids were little. And I also can relate to your feelings about Xmas for the kid’s sake. It doesn’t take much to conclude that a childhood where you never get toys around Xmas like your friends do, would be a lousy way to advance the idea of reason and free thinking when you don’t get any toys. Kids want toys. Period. I suppose its all in finding the right context to do it in. Like Kramer’s “Festivus” or some such other such made-up holiday.
Or maybe you could consider combining the birthdays of past skeptics and free-thinkers and then folding all of those into a holiday where their thoughts and philosophies are heralded instead of the phony “peace on earth” that is pushed to the advantage of churches and Wal-Mart.
In 1984, I tried to rationalize the whole idea of tree buying at Xmas by getting balled trees that my kids and I later planted in the yard. At least then this Xmas symbol also had practical uses. But eventually you run out of space. So now my front yard has four huge pine trees, two of which stand about 65 feet tall. But I am at least doing my part to try to offset global warming. Meh.
As for the “disappointed” parents: it is ironic that “free thinkers’ would have such a response, and yet I realize that we’re human too. And I think that it’d be little different from a case where if they had raised their child and prepared them for attendance at college, only to have the kid to chose to live a life in the streets or robbing convenience stores instead. In this case, I think that the disappointment is not that they’d chosen a lifestyle different from their parents, but that they’d been given the opportunity to use reason and logic, and to take responsibility for their lives and chose instead to live the fairy tale existence. A lifestyle that I believe allows the mentally lazy or incompetent to absolve themselves of responsibility for their acts and decisions. That’s how the world got into such terrible shape in the first place.
And this camping program you mentioned here sounds like a wonderful idea. I was just commenting in another post here at TJM about how atheists and skeptics will always have an uphill climb in the battle with religionists for the hearts and minds of most people, simply because they provide real services and benefits that have few alternatives with a non-religious slant. And that until the more practical aspects of living a life of reason can be met, that people will no doubt continue to support churches if for no other reason than to take advantage of the tangible benefits that they receive there. Albeit at a very costly price in the long run.
But seeing the comment about the camp program also reminded me of an article I posted at another forum from this past August. In this article about a Christian boot camp, a couple of employees were arrested for “dragging a 15-year-old girl behind a van after she fell behind the group during a morning run.” So if anyone ever wants to tell you just how great Christian programs are, send them this link:
http://www.chron.com/CDA/archives/archive.mpl?id=2007_4402534
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This sounds like a good book. I may have to order it.
I’m a recovering catholic and still sometimes hanker for the comforting familiarity of the rituals and the easy answers. But overall, I’m much happier without it.
I home-educate my children and love Christmas too!
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I wrote I can’t say that I wouldn’t be interested if my daughter chose Christianity. Of course I meant I can’t say that I wouldn’t be disappointed! Duh! And I notice that a day later….
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