The Truth About Religion

13 Responses to “The Truth About Religion”

1. Darque on October 16th, 2007 4:00 pm
   

   We’ve had a few videos on TJM, but this one’s a grand slam for me - it treats all three Abrahamic religions with an equal and much-deserved disrespect, it’s funny, and it has the basic, underlying point that has been my problem with these religions since the very start: this planet is not about them. Billions of people around the world, and anyone with an ancient holy book thinks they’re all wrong, and that we must all devote our lives to their fictional god. But this Marcus Brigstocke nails it perfectly, the right tone, words, and points. For further discussion, here’s the transcript - which, of course, may not be perfect. I haven’t transcribed in a long time.

   “Hello. I’d like to start this week with a request, and this one goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: the Muslims, Christians, and Jews. It’s just a little thing, really, but do you think that when you’ve finished smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privileges while you do it, do you think that maybe the rest of us could sort of have our planet back? I wouldn’t ask, but the thing is, I’m starting to think that there must be something written in the special books that each of you so enjoy referring to that it’s okay to behave like precious, petulant, pugnacious, pricks. Forgive the alliteration, but your persistent, power-mad punch-ups are pissing me off. It’s mainly the extremists obviously, but not exclusively. It’s a lot of ‘main-streamers’ as well. Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about.

   “Muslims: listen up my bearded and veily friends! Calm down, okay? Stop blowing stuff up. Not everything that said about you is an attack on the prophet Mohammad and Allah that needs to end in the infidel being destroyed. Have a cup of tea, put on a Cat Stevens record, sit down and chill out. I mean seriously, what’s wrong with a strongly-worded letter to The Times?

   “Christians: you and your churches don’t get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They’re your bloody rules; either stick to them or abandon the faith. And stop persecuting and killing people you judge to be immoral. Oh, and stop pretending you’re celibate — it’s a cover-up for being a gay or a nonce. Right, that’s two ticked off.

   “Jews! I know you’re god’s ‘Chosen People’ and the rest of us are just whatever, but when Israel behaves like a violent, psychopathic bully and someone mentions it that doesn’t make them anti-Semitic. And for the record, your troubled history is not a license to act with impunity now.

   “So, when the letters come (and I’m guessing they will), I can guarantee that each one of those faiths will be convinced that I’ve singled them out for special criticism.

   [In mock Arabic accent] “Why did it have to be us? Islam is a peaceful faith!

   [In upper class British accent] “I don’t see what’s wrong with being Christian? We’re a peaceful, loving faith.

   [In affronted, huffy voice] “How dare you after all we’ve been through! We Jews know how terrible violence can be.

   “You see, all of them will be convinced that they’re the ones being picked on. The Abrahamic faiths are like scousers: they’re always convinced they have it harder than everyone else.

   “And why is it that all of these faiths claim to be peaceful, when even a most fleeting glance at a history of warfare will tell you otherwise? The relationship between religion and warfare is very similar to the relationship between Ant and Dec: you could have one without the other, but I’m not sure anyone would see the point. I wouldn’t actually like it, but it would be refreshing to hear one of them come out and say, ‘Our faith’s violent as you like. We love a scrap, us lot, we do. Our special book says “fight fight smash maim murder kill fight fight.” That’s why I signed up to be honest. I’m a bit naughty, know what I mean?’ But yet all of them claim to be peaceful religions. Yeah, peaceful right up to the point where someone takes something they think is theirs, or says the wrong thing or looks at them funny. Then it’s fighty smashy kicky punchy all the way. I know this’ll upset a lot of people and frankly I don’t care. I’m getting so sick of religious people screwing it up for the rest of us.

   “Please don’t kill us, seriously. As far as I’m concerned this is the only chance we get. When we die it’s all over — there’s no virgins and pearly gates waiting for us, no big, beardy man saying, ‘Right, so how do you think that went, then? Killed a lot of people in my name I see. Not really what I had in mind. Um, tell you what, have another go as a worm.’

   “While we’re at it, I’m sick of religious people forcing their children to define themselves by their parents’ faith. A four-year-old is no more a Christian than he is a member of the Postal Workers’ union. [in child's voice] ‘We want a fair working wage, decent working conditions, and time allotted to see the new Transformers film.’

   “This week Lydia Playfoot, who took Millay School in Horsham to the high court so she could wear jewelry to prove she’s staying a virgin for Jesus, lost her case. Good. I’m glad. I don’t care how many times her parents claim it was her idea, rules is rules, and if you want to wear a ring that tells everyone you’re not having any sex you can get married like the rest of us. Now, the lawyer for the chaste Miss Playfoot said the question for the judge was ‘What are the religious rights of school children in the school context?’ Well, I’m no judge (not yet, anyway), but if you want my opinion, none. No rights. No religious rights whatsoever. School’s for learning. Okay? If you want to have a little pray before math so that God will prevent Mr. Figures from setting too hard a test, or prevent the P.E. teacher from being a colossal pervert, then go head, fill your boots. If you want to pop on a feathered headdress and chant and mumble and sacrifice something you can do that on your own time. (Or take a drama course, pretend it’s art, and get a degree in it. That’s what I did.) The lawyer, Mr. Diamond, argued, ’secular authorities cannot rule on religious truth.’ Hmm. Well, Mr. Diamond, I’m going to assume you’re not related to Neil Diamond, because he rocks. Yes, I like Neil Diamond. And Prince. And I’m married — go figure. But the point is ‘religious truth’ is a foxy one, because religion, by its very nature, doesn’t tend to concern itself with truth. There simply isn’t time for truth. By the time all the singing and candle-lighting and toadying and condemning and hiding from science is done, truth has given up and gone down to the pub for a pint. Here’s the truth: faith is about as interested in truth as I am in hanging out with Anthony Warrel Thompson, i.e, not very.

   “Now, I know that most religious folk are moderate and reasonable and wear tidy jumpers and eat cheese, like real people. And on hearing this they’ll mainly feel pity for me, rather than issue a death sentence. But they have to accept that they are the power base for the nutters. Without their passive support the loonies in charge of these faiths would just be loonies, safely locked away and medicated — somewhere nice with a view of some trees where they can claim they have a direct channel to god between sessions making tapestry, drinks coasters, watching Teletubbies and talking about their days in the Hitler Youth. The ordinary faithful make these vicious, tyrannical thugs what they are. See, I get angry that shows like Celebrity and Big Brother and insert-title-of-wretched-show-here still fill our lives with vapid, pointless emptiness, and I wish the producers and development executives would crawl back under the rocks they emerged from, but the truth is they sell stuff that people consume. Without the audience to prop it up, Heat magazine and fundamental religious fanaticism goes away. Imagine what humanity might be capable of if we had that much spare time! We could explore space properly, have decent look in the sea, find a cure for James Blunt, anything!

   “Thank you very much. Letters to the usual address.”

   [Reply]
2. Knowledge, Reason on November 15th, 2007 6:11 pm
   

   Bravo, bravo, bravo!

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3. Jen on November 15th, 2007 6:32 pm
   

   Oh my god, that was soooooo funny!!!! (And I really loved those little MP things…)

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4. Lamont B Dumont on November 16th, 2007 5:54 am
   

   I’m with him on religion & Prince. I have to take issue about the Neil Diamond thing, though. He’s been a lame hack since he was writing pop ditties for the Monkees.
   It’s also interesting how these three religions with very common roots spur tremendous conflict, almost entirely among themselves. I have yet to hear Joe Lieberman rail about “shinto-fascism”. The Mullahs in Tehran don’t seem too concerned about the corrosive influence of the shaman-controlled media. I’m still waiting for George Bush’s major speech on the danger of Buddhist Fundamentalists.
   In fact, I can only think of one significant inter-religious conflict involving only ONE of these three - the Muslims & Hindus in the Indian subcontinent. And let’s be honest, that’s not about whether the Fundamental nature of the universal deity is mono- or polytheistic, it’s about who controls Kashmir.

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5. get authentic on December 21st, 2007 5:43 pm
   

   Not funny. enforces fucking stupid stereotypes. Go study, dude, before you blah your shit around

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6. rivalarrival on December 21st, 2007 6:22 pm
   

   get authentic,

   Get lost.

   Rival

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7. Bryan on December 24th, 2007 6:27 am
   

   Dear Jesus, Save me from your Followers.

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8. Flonkbob on January 10th, 2008 8:56 pm
   

   get authentic:

   They’re not stereotypes if they’re true. Then we call them ‘observations’. It’s a fine distinction, but you’ll get it if you really try. And buy a dictionary.

   Honestly, you need to specify where you think he’s wrong. Because, coming from a background of Abrahamic mythology…I think he’s right on.

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9. Marvin on January 21st, 2008 6:09 pm
   

   Perfect! Expresses exactly how I feel about these religions, but in a far more clever and eloquent way than I could have managed.

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10. orly? on January 23rd, 2008 1:00 pm
    

    “But the point is ‘religious truth’ is a foxy one, because religion, by its very nature, doesn’t tend to concern itself with truth. There simply isn’t time for truth. By the time all the singing and candle-lighting and toadying and condemning and hiding from science is done, truth has given up and gone down to the pub for a pint.”

    Flonkbob…specifically here. A brash generalization followed with dry wit….its just as easily said that the original poster doesn’t have time for truth between the quick punchlines…that doesn’t make it true…

    Some atheist/agnostics/what-have-you can pose decent arguments, but this attempt is rather sad. Albeit somewhat humorous at times.

    If you want a ring to show people you aren’t having sex, get married like the rest of us…..now that part is comedic gold.

    /doesn’t usually troll
    //won’t be back again

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11. Curiousdwk on January 27th, 2008 9:15 pm
    

    What are the religious rights of students? None. I agree wholeheartedly. But you should go on. What are the rights of religious enterprises? None. They shouldn’t be given tax breaks. They shouldn’t be given any rights that ordinary, profit-oriented businesses or hard-working individuals have. No law should be enacted that includes any religious mention at all. Religions are businesses and should be treated as business. Perhaps they should also be forced to abide by the same Act that prohibits false claims in advertising. Wouldn’t that be a great day.

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12. Frank Haney on July 19th, 2008 9:49 am
    

    All Religions are the base and foundation of all wars !!
    We are now in a Holy War with Irac that has killed thousands of
    people and four thousand of our own soldiers as of March 2008!

    This Irac Holy War has cost “TWO TRILLION DOLLARS” of the
    taxpayers money so President George Bush Jr. could become a
    hero and get Saddam Housiane. Well he got him but at what
    price. We are paying the price for Bush to be a hero with thousands of lives lost and “TWO TRILLION DOLLARS” down the drain and now gas prices at up to $5.00 a gallon.

    If Bush is not the worse president of all time, he is a close
    second, ah but a hero in the history books. Every son wants
    to out do his dad. Bush senior did not get Saddom, so the
    door was open to out do his dad and Bush jr outdid his dad
    and we are paying for this hero with our sons lives.

    All religion must be stopped or we are all going to starve to
    death while the king pins of religion relax in their million
    dollar homes for creating these false and fake gods that
    are imaginary friends for adults. All religion gods are fake
    and false, yet governments let it go on knowing that it is
    a scam and a fake to get money from the ignorant.

    Jesus is like Appolo and Zuise The Greek Gods all fake.
    How can intelligent people with college degrees believe
    that a man can walk on water, come back from the dead
    and fly up into heaven. Common sense tells you that this
    is impossible and is a fake, yet people want eternal life
    so bad that they believe these lies being preached.

    “ENOUGH”

    Frank Haney

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13. Brandon Henson on November 17th, 2008 7:09 pm
    

    The most amazing thing of all this is that God still loves you even though you reject him, and poke fun at the people in Christianity that are struggling. Yeah the world is not doing so hot right now, but God has a plan, and it will be a glorious day when that plan is unveiled for all to see.

    I will pray for all of you who find this awesome. I genuinely hope that God finds you wherever you are at some point in your lives and you decide to open your heart to Jesus and find out that life is more than just you.

    [Reply]

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