Things YOU Can Do To Get Rid of “Porch Ministers” Fast
May 5, 2007 by TJM Admin
A light hearted post to a seemingly growing problem. I am sure that we have all dealt with it. It’s Saturday morning and your hung over. The only reason you are up now is because your children got up at the butt-crack of dawn to watch the Cartoon Network and have the surround sound system maxed to the point of “IMAX Theater Experience.”
You stroll into the kitchen with your robe half open, exposing the Superman boxers you still have on from the night before. Just then, as if they just KNEW you started brewing that pot of coffee, the (insert religious group here) come banging on your door. What to do? The sound system is so loud that the entire neighborhood knows you’re home; surely they won’t think you’re not. This is just the scenario you have planned for. How do you go about getting them off of your doorstep in a non-confrontational manner? Feel free to add to this list in the comments!
- Answer the door, but make absolutely sure that the trouser mouse has escaped its boxer home before you open the door.
- Grab your leather face mask, ball-gag and spiked dog collar; “Bubba” needs to answer the door!
- Do you think that these people have ever met a porn mag sales rep? Agree to look at their literature if they will read through yours.
- “If I go to your church, will you help me get a green card?”
- Grab a pair of your wife’s pantyhose. Put one leg in and answer the door. As they begin talking to you, explain that they have to make it quick ’cause your on your way to a gender reassignment surgery. Tell them that if they would like to come back another day, they should ask to speak to the “lady” of the house.
- Optionally, place the pantyhose over your head and stuff a bunch of crap into a pillow case. “God, you guys are late! Where’s the car?”
I’m sure you can think of more great ways to accomplish the same means to an end…of them stopping at your house. Looking forward to them!
As a former Jehovah’s Witness (turned atheist) I like option #6. Not because it would work. None of these suggestions would, I’m afraid. But this one is worth a giggle or two. They probably wouldn’t even get mad.
I can’t speak for any other porch preacher types. But if you want to get rid of that Watchtower Slave, your best bet is to tell them you’ve been “disfellowshipped” from some distant congregation for apostasy. That’ll usually fill their pants and send them flying. Most of them will just nod and haul tail. That’s because Witnesses aren’t allowed to even speak to such a person. You could also ask to be put on their “Do Not Call” list, but you’ve probably earned that already at this point. The Do Not Call list is real, though sometimes they deny it. And thanks to recent changes in policy, Witnesses are supposed to keep you on that list for more than just 6 months like they used to do. Which is pretty sweet.
The only risk (assuming you don’t have any Witness friends) is that you might run into an Elder at the local congregation at your door. It’s unlikely, but it could happen. They may want to quiz you on the circumstances of your disfellowshipping so they can check your story. Unless you want to have a little fun and know enough to send them on a wild goose chase, I’d decline their request and shut the door in the rudest manner possible. In fact, I’d refuse any request for information. Just tell them you’ve “had enough bullying from the Watchtower Society for one lifetime, thank you very much.” Then say goodbye and close the door. Slam it if you have to.
IsaacJ
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Of course, having a flair for the strange and dramatic will make things more interesting, but Isaac definitely has the right idea.
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